Putting the Toilet Seat Down; NOT!

There is a humanitarian crisis in East Africa and Gaza. There is a collapsing world economy; there are brazen pirate attacks on the high seas which are getting higher by the day because of global warming. Accordingly I intend to address the issue that I know is foremost on the mind of all Americans, LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP. Sadly it seems to be the toughest issue in the gender equality quest.

Obviously the best and most equitable solution to this gender war issue is to leave the seat as it was last used. For women, this will be the down position. For men after whizzing, this should be up as shown in the photograph at the right margin…or left or top, wherever BlogSpot puts the photo. The efficiency of this is obvious. Supposed the next necessary function in the toilet is the same act by a person of the same gender such as a male. Imagine if the male had put the seat down following the prior use; he would have to raise it again. These are unnecessary cycles of the seat. Scrink scrawnk; the hinges wear out.

I know my women readers will scream at this suggestion. First let me say that I am very sympathetic with essentially all women's issues such as the need for equal pay for equal work, having the word NO respected, maternity leave, getting better representation in upper management positions, etc. Neurologists have discovered that women actually have more neural connections between the left and right brain hemispheres making them better at multitasking and alliance-building networking, both key management skills. But on this important bathroom issue I have to ask my women friends, "Ladies! What's the big deal?" You just grab the seat between two fingers and put it down before sitting. Yeah yeah, I hear you. You are yelling, "Do you know what it feels like to think it's down when it's not and sit and fall through?!" Well yes I do because so many times I have been host to women or a guest in one's home only to hear a scream then see them come tearing out of the bathroom to grab me by the neck and deliver a scalding lecture on why I should put the toilet seat down after I use it.

Allow me to make a suggestion to my hundreds of women readers. Look before you sit! This should be a no brainer to a person of any gender sitting on anything. There could be a creepy spider on that toilet seat. I have a woman cousin in Florida who once approached the toilet to sit. Fortunately she looked and saw the large land crab that had entered the bowl from the sewerage system and was waiting with raised open claws. I have heard of sewer rats sloshing around in the bowl too. Even sitting places other than a toilet seat, like on a sofa with your pants on warrants a look. Anyone who has a house cat should know this. I don't have one but I learned fast when I visited a friend with a house cat. Anybody who has made it through junior high school where some jerk-head invariably puts a thumbtack in your seat when you come blazing into class late should learn and retain this important safety fact. LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT!

Ladies may I suggest you count your blessings if you have a loving wage-earning male whose only alleged sin is leaving the toilet seat up. There are much worse men. These are the ones that we men must also be wary of. They're the cabbage brains who leave the seat down BEFORE whizzing, sprinkling it with little yellow spots. When I was a little tyke I had trouble remembering to lift the seat before starting. My mother was so intent on training me to raise it before starting that she never even tried to confuse the issue by training me to lower it when I was done.

Now I must confess that there is one situation where a male should lower the toilet seat when he's done whizzing. That's when he's a guest in a lady's home and she requests it. It is her home after all. She has the right. My sister and sister in law will applaud this concession I'm sure. I am working hard to remember when I visit them.

I have a lot of sympathy for the extra hardship a woman faces because she has to sit for a number one. I have often railed with my women friends in support of more stalls in public women's restrooms where lines form because there is not sufficient capacity to accommodate the necessary extra privacy and time required for women to drop their drawers for a tinkle. However, in the quest for gender justice there is one behavior a man must never accede to. Some women actually try to require this behavior. This unmanly act is to sit to make water. I almost never use the term "p-word envy". It is an arrogant accusation usually levied by loser males who can't take it when a woman beats them at their own game. However, to the woman who has the audacity to suggest that males should always sit, I must say, "Madam, you suffer from p-word envy. Get over it."