...ordinary toothpaste cap. The ordinary toothpaste tube nozzle and cap were perfected at least as far back as when I was a small child and Dodos and Ivory-Billed Woodpeckers filled the forests. You just unscrewed the cap, squeezed out the paste and screwed the cap back on. But, they couldn’t leave it alone. They had to devise nozzles that dispensed different colors of paste through little sub nozzles. You’re supposed to believe these different colors are actual different ingredients (like epoxy glue) that can’t be mixed until they’re about to enter your gaping maw. They also had to add a flip up cap that won’t stay closed and copiously ejaculated toothpaste into your travel bag on air flights until toothpaste on flights was finally made illegal. The flip up caps usually break off before the last of the toothpaste is used up too. Bring back the ordinary toothpaste tube and screw-on cap.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Why did they uninvent the...
...ordinary toothpaste cap. The ordinary toothpaste tube nozzle and cap were perfected at least as far back as when I was a small child and Dodos and Ivory-Billed Woodpeckers filled the forests. You just unscrewed the cap, squeezed out the paste and screwed the cap back on. But, they couldn’t leave it alone. They had to devise nozzles that dispensed different colors of paste through little sub nozzles. You’re supposed to believe these different colors are actual different ingredients (like epoxy glue) that can’t be mixed until they’re about to enter your gaping maw. They also had to add a flip up cap that won’t stay closed and copiously ejaculated toothpaste into your travel bag on air flights until toothpaste on flights was finally made illegal. The flip up caps usually break off before the last of the toothpaste is used up too. Bring back the ordinary toothpaste tube and screw-on cap.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Why did they uninvent the...

...car that uses a one size fits all round sealed beam headlight?
There are adults alive today who don’t remember this. There used to be a one size fits all standard headlight for all cars and trucks; Chevrolets, Fords, Plymouths, Mack trucks, even the imports like Volkswagen Beetles, Triumph sports cars, and Opal Cadets. They cost about one dollar and constituted the whole thing from illuminating filament to integral lens of thick non-yellowing, scratch proof, pebble-resisting glass. There were some improvements as the years passed. They started to make them with permanent quartz halogen bulbs inside for greater efficiency but they were still round, under five bucks and above all, one size fit everything. If one burned out or took a rock, replacements were still available at any gas station even in Nowheresville. Then it started to happen, first innocently enough. The car manufacturers’ stylists figured we needed some new shapes; rectangular and small rectangular.
Then things started to get out of hand. They figured we’d like two lights per side on some vehicles and they added extra small and small round to the increasing numbers of sizes. Suddenly somewhere around the early 80’s each car manufacturer started designing custom component illumination systems with separate bulbs, reflectors, and protective (ha ha) clear plastic covers that scratched and yellowed. And, they leaked too, fogging up and corroding the reflector. What a great ADVANCE! When my wife hit a deer and cracked a custom protective lens on our ’85 Subaru, they wanted $180 for the replacement. Of course I got some junk yard parts plus some screws, rivets, and epoxy glue to make a mount for a one size fits all replacement. I had to do it again when I bought and “restored” a wrecked Civic for a few months transportation in Washington State a couple of years ago. So what if my cars were asymmetrical. I’ve heard of “illumination systems” on higher end models of today’s cars that cost over $800. As consumers, have we gone nuts to accept this? We’re scared to death of federal standards requiring greater fuel efficiency because they might make the cars cost more. Of course we’re happy to pounce on the newest all fluff and no stuff squinty-eyed illumination system proffered by free enterprise innovation.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Why did they uninvent the...

This post inaugurates a series on laments about great things of the past that were uninvented. True to form I shall probably drift off topic onto some other twists like “Why didn’t they invent it right?” and “Why did they have to make a better mousetrap when the original was perfect?”
Have you noticed that your fitted sheets never fit? That’s because the bed industry has gone bonkers making mattresses and box springs thicker and thicker. If you get a new set today (They nearly always come in a set.) the combined box spring and mattress thickness almost require you to have nine-foot ceilings. Why do you even need the box spring at all? You could put bowling balls under the mattress and you wouldn’t feel them. Heaven help you if you have to get up and go to the bathroom at night. You’ll need a stepladder. You’re liable to fall off the ladder since you’ll be suffering from hypoxia at the extreme altitude. I know why beds all have that pile of sham pillows now. You need to throw them down around the base of the ladder in case you fall climbing down. Why did they uninvent the sensible thickness mattress?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Thinking about Whales
You’re wondering, “Why is he thinking about whales and putting up pictures of bears?” Simple answer. I’m thinking about whales because I’m reading Moby Dick. It was a free download on our iPod Touch and I’ve never read it before. I don’t have a convenient recent whale picture so I used a picture of the largest mammals that I have photographed recently, the shy gentle bears that somewhat regularly visit our backyard.
Moby made me think of two impressive whale experiences that predated my blogging habit. I felt they needed to be recorded since whales, along with everything else in the ocean, appear soon to be extinct if we don’t change our ways. Hopefully not, but possibly in the next generation or two, nobody will have any more first-hand whale experiences.
OK, first whale experience: We lived many years on Eld Inlet, the southern tip of Puget Sound. We saw lots of harbor seals there. That was novel to me as a Carolina boy where, growing up, I thought you had to go to Eskimo-land to see any seals. One day soon after we moved into the Eld Inlet place, my parents came to visit. I quickly got my father down to the gravelly beach that we semi-privately shared with four other property owners. I proudly pronounced that we could dig our own clams, grow our own oysters, and sometimes we even saw seals. As if right on queue, directly in front and close in to shore, a huge mass rose to the surface and blew a V-shaped spout. My father frowned and opined, “That ain’t no seal!” Clearly it was a gray whale, the only huge thing other than the distinctly-finned Orca that might venture so far south in the sound. We watched it spout several more times and it clearly was hanging around for a bit. Leaving my father there, I ran up to the house to fetch down my kayak and camera. My mother was hollering after for me not to get into the water with any whale. I chased it around the inlet racing toward each spout to get a close snapshot but each time it rose in a different location hundreds of feet away. There were no good pictures.
I got another chance for a close encounter a couple of years later. The neighbors reported that a grey whale had been hanging out all day feeding in the bottom muck in the cove across the inlet from us. Wife and I again mounted kayaks and crossed the inlet. This time the whale was working a much smaller area and it was easy to get close. More sensible kayakers were also there to observe from a sensible distance. With all the good sense of a guy who climbs wet ladders barefooted, I charged up right over the location of the last couple of spouts. Suddenly the whale rose beside me and exchanged breath with a huge, “Chug; suck” sound. Mist from the spout drifted over me. I have to say I did not smell the foul odor that some people report from close encounters with whale spouts. However, what I will never forget was the deep resonance of that sound. It sounded like someone had briefly vented a steam valve in a mine tunnel. It gave me a sense of the huge volume of the breathing tube and lungs in this gentle but mighty creature.
Second whale experience: This one concerns Orcas. Orca whales are cute, smart, and relatively small as whales go, though hellishly much bigger than about anything else that isn’t a whale. They’re the ones that, if unfortunate enough to get captured, end up doing tricks in sea aquariums until they get disgusted with the life and decide to drown their trainers. Most Orcas live in pods, don’t roam too far from home, and enjoy a good diet of fish, like salmon. However, some Orca pods are the real rouges of the sea. They are transients and roam far and wide to munch on big animals like seals and even other larger whales. Several years ago the town of Brinnon, WA on Hood Canal (not really a man-made canal but a fjord wide and deep enough for submarine traffic) was experiencing a seal problem. Normally popular and welcome, the seal population had grown way too big for their local habitat. They were gobbling up lots of fish, fouling the water with their excrement and causing commercial oyster beds to shut down. Well, one day we were driving along the canal near Brinnon and saw a crowd of cars pulled over to the side of the road. We pulled over to see the attraction. The rogues had come. The water was filled with tall Orca dorsal fins racing back and forth, singly and in groups. No boats were out. We didn’t see this ourselves, but some friends who live in Brinnon told us they had seen seals far from the water and still heading for higher ground. While walking down to witness the spectacle our friends passed a seal that looked at them curiously as if to say, “You guys are going the wrong way. Are you nuts? Get further inland.” When the rogues had left the seal population had been culled down to a fraction of its size.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Naked Girls Reading
Naked Girls Reading! That’s the name of a play my wife and I saw here in Asheville last night. I spied the ad for it and figured it would make an ideal Friday evening outing that both of us could enjoy. Wife has master’s degrees in both drama and librarianship, and I… um… also like reading.
The play was in the old, fashionably seedy, artsy west side of town at a tiny theater squished into an ancient vintage storefront strip. They were selling $1 raffle tickets for an original oil painting door prize. Wife sprang for a ticket then actually inspected the prize (a choice of two very naked female nudes) and commented, “Ick”. I figured then that we’d probably win the door prize.
The play action was exactly what the title said except there was also some singing and celebrity impersonation, e.g. Elvis and Dolly Parton. I enjoyed the performance very much except the venue was not air-conditioned on an uncommonly hot evening in this mountain town. I began to envy the performers who had the privilege of stretching out naked, drinking their ice water.
Oh, I almost forgot! Of course we actually DID win the door prize raffle (a lifetime first). I was about to choose a standing nude who had a cupcake levitating in front of her public parts but wife nixed that one. We got the one you see in the picture above. I think I’m gonna have to get my own man cave before I have a place to hang it.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Gun hater stuck with gun
My loyal buddy of 55 years was kind enough to drive my car from Charleston to Asheville for me. Friendship is a wonderful thing and there is much more that unites us than divides us even though he is at the opposite end of the political spectrum from me. He’s like a serious Republican NRA-supporting dude and I am a kind-hearted enlightened Democrat.
Anyway, to get on with the story, Bud (not his real name) got home and realized he’d left his Glock 27 bad guy-whacker pistol in my glove compartment. (What's with these GOP NRA types that they can’t take a day drive up the interstate without deadly weaponry?! Do they think some deranged bleeding heart, liberal, government-lover is going to assault them at a rest stop?) All right, back on topic, I can't just leave it in the glove compartment because I think it's against the law to be packing heat in your car without a license unless you're in South Carolina where it's actually smiled upon. Now I have to get the damned thing out of the glove compartment and find a safe place to stow it. I guess I just carefully pull it out by the butt end while keeping the nozzle pointing away from anything I don't want to shoot. Apparently guns are liable to spray out bullets spontaneously at any time judging by the number of my friends and people I've met who have managed to accidentally get shot by their own gun.
Later: I got the gun out of the car and into my office. Now I've got to figure out how to safely take the bullets out and ship it to Bud. He tells me the bullets are in something called a magazine, which is not the same kind that you read. He said there is a little button on the left side that I can push to make the magazine drop out. I pushed the hell out of it and nothing drops out. Maybe I’m pushing the wrong thing. That’s scary.
Voila! I got the bullets separated from the pistol and didn’t shoot any holes in anything. Following Bud’s direction I was able to eject the magazine by pushing a little thumb button on the left side of the handle in a certain forwardish downward direction while carefully avoiding pulling the little pointy-finger lever under the bottom.
Uh oh! Turns out those sissy second amendment-hating liberals in government of all levels have made it very difficult for an innocent law-abiding person to ship a firearm to another innocent person. Bottom line: Costs over $50 and must be shipped from a licensed firearm shipper to a licensed firearm receiver.
I will just take it to Bud on my next trip past his town, currently scheduled for next month. If he has to shoot anyone before then he’ll just have to use his turkey gun.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
A spider made me do it

I’m in the rehab hospital. No, I’m not a celebrity druggie; I’m an idiot. Here’s the story. I was up on a ladder pressure washing the pilings and girders under our Edisto Island house. Hot day, good fun, bathing suit, barefoot. Almost done when a huge black spider dashed out from a crevice right over my head. I don’t like spiders so I commenced a high-speed emergency descent. When I got to the bottom rung I stepped back off onto the concrete floor. Just one problem! It wasn’t the bottom rung and I stepped off into thin air. Suddenly my frail nearly naked body was speeding toward cruel hard concrete at about 900 miles per hour. Fractured left side humerus and femur near the top of each. Sassy spider looked down at me writhing on floor for ten minutes awaiting rescue. Spouse found me and kindly hosed off dirty floor all around me so things would be tidy for the ambulance guys.
Fast forward 17 days. I now have some metal pins in my femur and am just able to walk on a cane with a spotter. Left arm still strapped tightly to my side. Nice ladies help me go pee and poo. They promise me hellish agony when the time comes to unstrap my arm and start cranking it around. Due for discharge and further outpatient therapy beginning on June 15. Will convalesce at my sister’s house until well enough to travel to Asheville for the rest of the summer. Good news is it’s supposed to heal completely to original strength and I got out of my dreaded trip to Spain.
Fast forward again 58 days from fall. I can drive, walk in almost a normal gait, ascend and descend stairs normally, and scratch my head with my injured arm. Punishing physical therapy and home exercise continue and I continue to slowly improve. No jump rope or pull-ups though. I think I will be as normal as anyone my age eventually.
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